I’m fucking stupid. tonight I really feel like going back to my old ways. what’s wrong with me? why am I so disgusting and take things so far? why don’t I think before I speak? why do I have friends? why do I even try with myself anymore?

oct 15 2013 11:32 pm

i just want to loose weight and be in a cute relationship and do good in school and have a good car and job that can pay for all my expenses and then some and i know there’s a time for everything but i worry so much and i’m starting to get all sad again and i don’t want to get like that and just jesus help me pls i beg of you

life is so much better than it was and i don’t wanna take steps back, just steps forward at this point

even though relationships look hard and annoying at times, I still want one. why is that?

I am so sick of being fat it’s not even funny anymore. Sitting here at the pool with my shirt on + undershirt is just not fun anymore. I just wish that I was the 175 pounds that I’ve been wishing for. I hope that I can easily loose the weight and that everything will be fine. But, I trying to think if I should start hating food instead of loving it so much, because that might make things better. I’d rather be afraid of food and loose the weight then love it too much and constantly gaining weight. I know that’s not healthy but at this point it might be the most sensible thing to do. 
I’m sick of being looked at stupidly, I’m sick of feeling the way I do. It’s time to make a change.

sick from binging all that food..

my sadness is like an ocean
I float above the water
in a deep sea full of nothing
I start to sink as I get heavier
and end up

does my family really love me? I guess they do but its almost like I feel bad that they do.
I’m something so dumb, so stupid and so bad that I really don’t deserve love. or kindness.
I’m a waste of space, of energy and time. nothing can change that really.
I’m just going to sit here and wollow in my sadness.
like I’m in a deep sea.

May 3, 2013 5:01 AM

its so early in the morning and I’m up. u don’t know why. I cant sleep because my thoughts are setting in right now. I’m trying not to think about anything but feel like I’m going to have another break down.
no one is really trying to help me with that particular part of everything. L(e) says she’s there, but she doesn’t try to text me, same goes for S(a). this whole week she just ignores me. I don’t know why. it bothers me really because I’m going to automatically think she hates me when that’s probably not the case, I don’t want to be her new G(a). I’m just sad. school is hard and I’m probably going to fail, and I know it. and I know that, its just that I don’t want to believe that I let myself fuck up that bad. but when the doctor said I have ADD, that put it all in perspective for me.. and that tells me why its so fucking hard for me to focus.
but anyways, I don’t know why Sara ignores me. does she hate me? have I done something? I don’t know and I’m afraid to ask. I don’t know what to do. I’ll ask mom or Lisa.
because Sara can’t play the “I’m busy” excuse really. if she really is, that’s fine. but, Lisa is constantly working her black ass off and still texts me here and there, which I appreciate so much.
I’m going to have to tell her that.

sucks to be fucking ugly.

I really just want things to improve. I want to be skinny and better looking. sucks to be fat and ugly. and bored with life. and depressed.